"The only person you can hope to understand is yourself. So live your life your way; just make sure you take some precautions. You can do no more than that" - The Premature Burial, Scene One

Little Earthquake has conducted extensive research into the avoidance of premature burial so that you don't have to. Listed below are the top five precautions recommended by the experts.

Little Earthquake cannot be held responsible for any consequences arising from putting these procedures into practice. Consult medical advice before proceeding.

1) Take a leaf out of Hans Christian Andersen's book, and always carry your own "I am not really dead" card* with you at all times. Little Earthquake has thoughtfully created one for you, which may be downloaded here.

2) Make provision for being laid to rest in your family's spacious, airy and well-appointed crypt. You'll be glad you did. Ensure that the main crypt door will fly open at the merest touch of a button. Should no such crypt exist, you're playing it very dangerously indeed. Put a deposit on one today - before it's too late. Do it now!

3) No-one said that ensuring your safety after being mistaken for dead came cheaply. Purchase a state-of-the-art security coffin, complete with bells, buzzers, air-holes, tools and enough provisions for a fortnight. Self assembly kits are available but should only be attempted by those with accomplished DIY skills.

4) In the event of your "death", stipulate in your will that you may not in fact be dead at all, and recommend that someone of sound medical knowledge triple-check your vital signs.

5) Should a verdict of clinical death be recorded, it is advised that your body should remain above ground until evidence of decomposition is verified.

*Testimonials

Below are two testimonials by individuals offering their opinion on our handy wallet-sized "I am not really dead" cards. The opinions expressed are entirely individual, and are in no way any official reflection on the opinions of Little Earthquake.

Edna Welthorpe, Mrs.
"Little Earthquake be praised! You can't get these cards on the National Health, but they've saved my life on at least four occasions to my certain knowledge! I shall be writing to the Health Secretary, and shall be recommending Little Earthquake for the CBE!"

Received from beyond the grave:
Nikolai Vasilevich Gogol, Russian novelist and playwright, 1809-1852
(Literal translation from the Russian) "Curses be to Little Earthquake! His advice, it comes more than one hundred fifty years too late! If only I could to have this card, then Gogol he would not be getting buried alive! I am laughing-stock from Chekhov and Tolstoy now!"